After hearing I had a medical condition, to be honest, I wasn't all that worried. 90% of women were cured of their Pseudotumor's within a year after starting medication and losing weight. That was a very positive number, and I was a very positive person. However, I'll be honest and say that in the last month, my optimism has been tested time and time again, and that water glass, well, it's starting to look a little on the empty side.
My first spinal tap was, I thought, to test to see if I had a pseudotumor, as it turns out however spinal taps can also be used as a final attempt to relieve pressure when my medication just isn't cutting it. I've been averaging about 8 days in between spinal taps now. Every time I'm curled up in a ball on the edge on the bed with the needling sticking out of my back I think to myself, how I am going to make it through the next two days without picking up my children. I start telling myself again :: don't fall apart, don't fall apart :: I just know if I start crying I won't stop and crying fixes nothing, it changes nothing.
I'm stuck again. I know what's wrong with me now but I'm in this constant limbo of the medication starting to work and the medication quickly failing and having a spinal tap done to relieve pressure. I am currently on the highest dose of medication that I can be on and I'm at a healthy weight for my height now. If I'm really honest with myself, I never really thought the medication would work from the first time we had to up my dose. My body doesn't respond to medication like a normal persons would. A normal person feels great on vicodin, and for me it would barely touch a headache. I can't drink five shots of vodka and not feel a buzz. I'm just odd, things don't effect me like other people. So I'm on this highest dose of medication now and I'm praying that it works, because the surgical options, well frankly, they suck and I'd prefer not to go there.
I just want this all to be over with, but I can't help but think that this is just the start of my journey.
You're going through such an awful thing. I'm praying for you every day and hope you find some kind of relief.
ReplyDeletePraying for u, after i read this i came to this verse in Psalms, 121. I lift my eyes to the hills where does my help come from? my help comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip, he who watched over you will not slumber. indeed he who watches over israel will neither slumber nor sleep. the Lord watches over you the Lord is your shade at your right hand, the sun will not harm u by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm, he will watch over your life, the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. idk if this helps at all, but this psamls always comforts me and lets me know that God is always in control and that He loves us and protects us. i pray that He will heal you through the medication and soon!
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